The Worst Christmas Present Ever

It's hard to understand my father. On top of his regular psychosis, he also is disadvantaged when it comes to present giving. He never really understood the old adage: "It's the thought that counts." Instead, he compulsively buys random items like dolls and candy; anything as long as its at a discounted price, and give them away as presents. This year, however, my father truly outdid himself. This year, I received a Miller Lite Talking Beer Opener, as seen below. It has the wonderful feature that every time you want to relax with a bottle of beer, some cartoony voice actor announces proudly "IT'S MILLER TIME!," followed by the sound of some imaginary beer filling up a glass.

As charming as that is, I have to say I prefer my bottle openers to not talk. Now, you may be thinking that I particularly like Miller. You could not be farther from the truth. "Well," you say, "maybe you mentioned needing a beer bottle opener." That is just an outright lie! I have two bottle openers, and I don't even drink often enough to notice.

It gets better, however. The picture you see is only a stock photo; the real opener has long since gone to the trash. The one I actually received had already been opened out of the packaging, then placed back inside the package. To give it that truly "loved in" feel.

You may think I'm a heartless son, that my dad did what he could and that I can't even appreciate it. The truth is that I would have been perfectly satisfied not receiving any gift in lieu of one that had no thought or consideration. A card would have been nice.

So next time you receive a lousy gift, just remember me and my talking bottle opener. "IT'S MILLER TIME! fwoooooshhhh!"